I’m a huge Aston Martin fan. For years, I’ve enjoyed Astons’ perfectly-proportioned, style-first designs. They were poster-worthy for anyone with a pulse. That is, until the arguably hideous DB11 was released, making me wonder if the world had lost its collective marbles, or if it was just me, angrily shaking my fist at the sky. That’s why I need help from my readers, to find the turds that shine like diamonds when compared to Aston’s newest floater.
To start it off, I’ll throw my mud-covered hat into the ring with this:
While the Pontiac Aztek tops every publication’s hackneyed list of Ugliest Cars Ever Put In A 100-Page Slideshow, it pales in comparison to the sheer lack of grace that the Aston Martin possesses because of one thing - purpose.
The Aztek was styled by a committee of executives in monkey suits trying to make the car for anyone that was up to do anything. What they ended up with was a light SUV that offended some buyers, but got a select few to adopt it as the counter-intuitive outside-the-box car it was always meant to be.
Aston Martin, on the other hand, has one demographic with tastes that vary about as much as the content on Pewdiepie videos. Instead of tweaking the tried-and-true formula ever so slightly, Aston’s drastic styling change resulted in a car that looks like the result of a rough three-way between West Coast Customs, Will.I.Am, and a salvage title Ford Fusion. The front wheel gap and non-conforming arch line makes no sense aesthetically, with an up-on-its-haunches stance that gives any crossover a run for its money when it comes to ground clearance. It doesn’t look like it’s ready to carve a SoCal canyon so much as it looks like it’s ready to rock crawl at Moab.
It’s as if Aston Martin saw the Bentley Bentayga, compared that to the massive size of the SUV market and said “We don’t have any money to design another car, but fuck it, let’s do it anyway” as they high fived and ended every other sentence with “bro.”
At least the Aztek (which you can find for $1500 all day long on Craigslist, by the way) passed itself off as a quirky family mover, not the final word in elegance, and that in itself gives it more of a pass than I’d ever allow the $300k+ Aston.
However, as looks are entirely subjective, my entire vitriolic diatribe could be dead wrong. That’s why I want my readers to sound off with either cars that may fit the criteria, or a reason why Tavarish don’t know ‘nuthin. Either one works.
I’ll be here praying that Ian Callum and Henrik Fisker become besties and #MakeAstonMartinGreatAgain.